8.13 Summer session and Piano Placement Test

I never told you about my Summer Term at Phoenix College. It went so well. So well, that I am signing up for Theory III with Dr. D'Ercole for the Fall of 2020. Before I talk about the upcoming fall semester, I am going to talk about my first ever online classes.

Dr. D'Ercole is so awesome. She is of Asian decent. I was one of 6 or 7 participants in her Theory II class and 4 students in her Aural Perception class. At first, Theory II was a little difficult. I got an 80% on my first homework assignment. It had to do with part writing, which is something that was never really discussed in my Theory I class. I told myself that I was going to do well from then forward and from then on, I conquered those homework assignments and I did extremely well on the tests. Throughout the duration of the classes, I averaged from 96-97% in both classes.

Doing it online was not that difficult. Probably the hardest thing was getting up for the 9am classes. Things that I didn't like were that I didn't really get to meet any of the classmates. Aural Perception was a little different, with only 3 other students. But it was still difficult to meet people.

I had a talk with Dr. D'Ercole, to see if it was at all possible that I take III with her and still go to MCC. Of course she said yes. I then had a good opportunity to talk with her about who I was and what I was aspiring for. She told me that I would make a perfect Choir teacher. And that I was a joy to have in class. I was happy for the praise. And I told her that I really liked her teaching. It was definitely much better than the theory teacher at MCC. I really liked talking with her and connecting.

Today I had my placement test for Piano Class. I was a little nervous, I do have to say. I wasn't nervous getting prepared for it, though, which is interesting. The actual doing of the thing in a performance was a lot more nerve wracking. I asked, in an email, for Dr. Stojanovic to send me the placement pieces to get into Piano Class III, but then decided, after playing those pieces, that they were pretty simple pieces. So I asked for the pieces to get into Piano Class IV.

I only had one day to prepare, but that was enough. It was very apparent that I was lacking in the skills of doing scales. However, all the pieces that I performed I did with flying colors. She could tell that I was a musician. She then explained to me that I would be floundering in level IV because at the end of level III they are pretty proficient with scales. So, we made the decision that I would be in level III. I had a small tinge of disappointment, but I got over it.

It's weird. I have been so worried about specifically piano class, and what level I would ascertain. Because of what it might say about me. But, I feel really good about my placement. I was practically in level IV, had it not been for my scales skill level. And frankly, I need that training, especially if I want to become a choir teacher. 

I still don't know how choir is run online. So that'll be a surprise when choir starts up.

I am taking French Diction. It will be probably my most difficult of the classes I take this semester. But I am really looking forward to this semester. It was really hard to think about all the things I will be doing this upcoming semester, because I didn't want to get overwhelmed with things. But I am looking forward to it.

I also don't know if I will be getting Leia back for voice lessons. I don't know if I weirded her out. I hope not.

Life is in the up and up again.

I am starting to feel again.

6.25

What is life like for me these days?

I've been at home with Sarah. Coronavirus full swing. It's been a month since I finished Momentum. Two weeks ago I had my court case. I was given Mental Health Diversion, which basically is that I must do everything that my clinic, Chicanos por la Causa says I need to do (appointments and stuff), I have to do Anger Management for 12 weeks. I have 10 weeks left. And I have to get my case manager, James, to write an update to the court every 60 days.

Sarah and I had an argument about the responsibilities of the house. And after it, I agreed that I need to do more about the cleanliness of the house. I was just letting it get bad because I thought that that was what was natural but turns out that she was getting annoyed by it as well. So, I've been taking care of the house since then.

I also got through all of Luke and about a quarter of Job. Trying to figure out what I should read next in the scriptures. I've been feeling Bible recently.

I'm kinda anxious to get started with classes again. They should be starting on Monday. But I am unsure if they will because of low enrollment again. 6 out of 20 have signed up for Music Theory II and 5 out of 20 have signed up for Aural Perception II. The person said they probably would get cancelled if there wasn't 10 that signed up. So that is a thing.

I've been trying to make friends, or at least, keep the friends that I have made. I've been trying to support Greg Schroeder, my friend from Momentum, Carlie Chatfield, and

5.22.2020

Today was my last day of Momentum. It was a good program. I made a lot of friends like AJ and Lauren, Sierra and Rafael and Torsten. I enjoyed getting to know them. Jamie was a good care coordinator.

Funny thing, is that Mesa Community College called me and told me that my two summer classes have been cancelled due to low volume of students inside them. This isn't good for me, unless, like Alma Quiros said in the message, I can do it at some other college, but it is a little ironic that  the thing that helped me graduate today, is cancelled. But I know that everything will be okay because I had good feelings about the outcome. Whether it be that I work or go to school. It should be something that I can accomplish.

If school doesn't start, I hope I can find something that will fill my time.

Church might start this weekend, according to the radio. But then again, our church hasn't really gotten back to us about if we are starting to open. If it does, we will be going to one in Chandler, because I found an apartment that we could move in to, depending on how everything goes.

5.6 Update for May

I don't remember if I wrote about this yet.

Two weeks ago, my parents and I had a video call falling out. I told them that they needed to treat Sarah and I like adults. They didn't take that too well. But I stood up for myself for once with them, which surprisingly felt a little bit liberating. I haven't talked to them since, except for a single text to dad saying that I didn't want to participate in last week's devotional and any others after (which may have been too much to say).

I have been feeling a wee bit depressed of late, not knowing what to do with myself on my days away from Momentum which are Mondays and Wednesdays.

I signed up for Summer classes at MCC. They start May 26th. They are Music Theory II and Aural Perception II. It means that I won't be at Momentum any more because AP is going to be in the middle of the day. It's good that I found them, because they weren't listed as classes offered like a week ago. I had to email Dr. Peterson to see what was going on with them.

My relationship with my friend Greg has been weird the last couple of days. I like him a lot, but I don't know what is expected from me as a friend and not as a family member of his.

4.9 Realizations about my Parents and a much needed Apology

In the last three months my life has done a complete 180 and then another. Right now I am in the good of the 180s, but there are certain things about my life that I wish were better. The biggest one that I can think of right off the top of my head is the fact that my relationship with both my parents has deteriorated completely, and my wife's relationship is almost non existent.

Let me start at the fact that since January 13th, I've been to the mental hospital twice, prison and jail. My parents have had a rocky relationship with my wife from almost the beginning of me knowing her. She came and my parents ripped us a hard one. First time that my parents ever met her. And, I think since then for her, my parents have felt threatened of my wife/gf. The sad thing is this isn't the first time that my parents have been threatened. Kayla was a big threat to me leaving them. I really wanted to marry her, and they just spat in her's and my faces and I just conformed to what they wanted for me and not looking into my heart.

But now, since I've been to all the above places, the trust that they had for my wife, which was little to none, has left, even to the scary realm of my parents telling my wife to go to hell and that she worked with the devil and that she isn't right for me nor has she ever been right for me.

They are not right. And the sad thing is they are hiding in the shadows of the things they have said and done to me, and sadly, to my wife. My wife, rightly so, does not want a relationship with people who have treated her this way. I haven't made my position clear throughout all of this. And so I am kinda in a communication freeze with them right now. I haven't talked with my dad, because, ever since Christmas, he's been a Giant Jerk to me. It's not right. All because I suggested that They pay for the complete sum of the ticket instead of us.

I've had to hang up on them and specifically him, several times over because I couldn't handle talking to them and because they were being super disrespectful to me. I understand that Hanging up is also very disrespectful now, but it seemed like the only thing I could do to get them off my back at the time, in a not nice manner, of course.

My Dad is trying to reach out to my wife to get her involved in a Coronavirus devotional, but she is not going to be involved until an apology is received. Honestly, in light of everything that is going on, they should be reaching out to us to tell us how wrong they have been and with an apology.

I'm realizing things about my parents that I have been putting on blinders on all my life to not see. Specifically, like the fact that my parents have not been perfect the whole time I have been alive. That they make mistakes and that they can be really mean to the world, specifically my mom. She raised me, but I know her M. O. Complains a lot of the time and doesn't enjoy the place that she is in life. I love them, but I have been too close at times to them, not realizing the false indoctrination that they were teaching me.

4.3

I'm in a program right now called Momentum. It is a like a program for adults that have hard times in their lives. Not all of them, if any of them (it's hard to tell) have just been to prison and jail like me. I think that a lot of the members of the program have mental illness, were drug or alcohol addicts, and people that have had traumatic experiences. It's cool to be in this society of people, because I feel like sometimes these are the only people that understand me in life, other than Cocco (my nurse) and especially my wife (who has been through it all already, or knows how to get me out of my psychosis).

I feel unsafe at the laundromat that is not close to my home. My wife thinks it is because I am racist, which may be so, but I feel more safe in my lit up laundromat that I can walk to at a moments notice than at a laundromat where everybody goes to next to a liquor store, a check into cash store, and a grocery store that doesn't feel very reputable to me. I guess I am racist. But I legitimately feel fearful almost every time I go there. Let it be because of the area, let it be because of the muscular men that all go to the liquor store in their muscular cars, let it be that I don't like how full t worse, a deportation truck come and pick me up and I have to go to prison once again and gehe place gets (busy). All of the above make me fearful, not just race. I am afraid of getting shot there, ort tazed or pepper spray, just because I was doing my laundry. Yes, they don't make sense, but everytime I go there, I feel unsafe. I wouldn't want to go there doing my laundry on my own. I feel much more comfortable in our laundromat that is connected with the apartment. I am just afraid.

4.1 Answer to myself, How I have needed to treat my Angstiness with Love and as a part of Me

I wish I would of thought to wait for a response, but Sarah's good at this kind of stuff, haha.

I really wanted to take you away, as made clear by the last title, but it isn't to bury you, it is to merge with you to fight for our needs and wants that are clearly good. I want to listen to you. What is it that you have to say? Why are you afraid of the cell? How can I service you?

I am a people pleaser. I would rather do what's good for the room than for me, and even blame myself, for all the wrongs. Learning from Ben Carlin in his podcast "Popcorn Culture:15 - The Time Ben Went to Jail and T-shirt Cannons", there are things that happen to people that are so goody two shoes it hurts. Or sometimes I am a blow over for the people in the room and I don't set clear boundaries.

It stems from the time that I told my mom that I was masturbating, which was the first AND last time I ever told her such a thing and I wanted to hide who I was, while at the same time seeking their approval. I remember that day very well, like the traumatic instance that it was. I can almost say that I was in my pajamas and we talked for hours. First my mom would cry because she blamed herself for my errors, and then I would cry or we cried together; FOR HOURS, at least past noon. My mom, in very direct terms told her to never let her know if I masturbated. Right then and there was the place that two John's was created. One that was a hider.

I felt so much shame from my mom and no room to ever tell her again that I was messing up. Because, for some reason (knowing I was human) I knew I would mess up. I want to say that I had this conversation before I went to college, while I was still attending High School. Fortunately, besides probable multiple bouts with Masturbation, I was so far along in High School and with good company to not mess up during those times.

It wasn't until I felt so alone that the first bipolarity existed. I feel that being bipolar really has to do with our relationships with others, and having these views in conflict with your mind. My first bipolarity was with my mom and me being thousands of miles away from her in school. The reason being is that I was alone, and had no real friends, nor did I feel able to leave the house without guidance from my parents, for growing up, I never did stuff to leave the house. I was always a home body and never had any friends come over or outside of the home. Being married has really liberated me from the aspect of having to be a home body at all times.

But I had really skewed views of having someone be with me inside of my home. Even the whole girlfriend thing, I felt I was stuck to date at home and only on dates would I find myself liberated from this torturous staying at home. I had no real friends outside of Blair, my girlfriend, but even she was a home body, but at least she had work, which taught me to get work, not my parents. They wanted me safe at home.

With all that being said, I can't believe I got through my first two semesters unscathed, and to be honest, I hardly did. The only things that got me through were a few phone calls to home (cell phones at the time could only be used for minutes instead of unlimited), a girlfriend, and work. School was in the trash after the first semester because I had signed up for more than I could handle. And I was in a foreign place, not used to being away from home, even though being away from home is probably all that I needed at the time (if only healthily).

Another light at the end of this long tunnel I would call my depression was that at the END of it, I would serve a mission and that that would save me from myself, if not only a little bit. And it did, for a time. (This is not saying that I never wanted to serve a mission, on the contrary, I looked forward to it, even though I had no idea what to expect from the mission). I had no idea that the mission would not get me out of this mess of blaming myself for masturbation, and hiding, really. I told my mission President everything, except about my masturbation, because, because of my mom, I had no idea who I could trust with this information. I also for a certainty thought I would get sent home. Looking back at it now, maybe President Talbot would have kept it a secret, if only I had confided in him, but the prospect of being sent home and having to tell my mom that I was still masturbating was enough to lie after every instance of masturbation. It was a bad cycle that my mom had weaved, and that my mind had found itself in. I was in a mental (bipolar) conundrum.

Finally, after 15 months of lying to myself and my mom and to the mission president and really to about everybody, my mind spilled the beans in the form of trying to be perfect. My mind compensates for the lie by becoming perfect in everything that it does, by obsessing over something that is not perfect about my life, and keeping lying awake at night. And when you lie awake at night, the only things you have to turn to in the dark is prayer and masturbation, and my body was apt to choose the latter.

The stresses of missionary work got to me when I was asked to be a trainer for a missionary I had never met, in an area that was so new to me still that I loved with all my heart. There were now so many things on the stake: myself, my mission president and his wife, the new missionary, other missionaries that I knew, the whole area of hampton; and outside forces too like my mom, my dad, my parents as a unit, my siblings, our home ward, and all the rest that knew me, there was no way of getting out of my bad deeds now.

My mind, I, finally cracked. A huge reason for it was because I did not practice self care to the extent necessary for me to feel healthy. Largely, I was dying inside because I was not getting appropriate enough amounts of sleep. And a part of my soul did die in Hampton the day the Mission President drove me out of Hampton the two hours back to the mission home.

I was hysterical. No controlling me. Maybe that's where my need for control began because from then on, I was controlled in some way or form. By medicine, by doctors, therapists, and Sadly, my parents, in the mission and out. Of course I needed it, but I for one wished it didn't have to be like a bandaid, but I don't think there is, nor was a way to END a mission so well.

There is more, but my controlling extended even to the point of when I finally  met my wife 7 years later. I was still on something and was seeing somebody for my mental ailment. I had not learned to love myself in the way my last girlfriend came to love me just yet, and even now, 11 year later, I still have not learned to love my soul, wholly, like her.

I just want it to be complete without the work. But I know 11 years of winding and unwinding need to be reconciled with at the most, 11 years of love for myself and caring. Fortunately, my infinite love for my wife and hers for me, has been a rock in the midst of my most recent hard times. That said there is a lot of self-love that I need to create, especially with boundaries that have not really been existent at all. And it's difficult to even know where to start and what to do, after part of myself has been rebelling unbeknownst to even my own mind.

I love you. I'm willing to do everything necessary to get you back on track mind. I think going to Momentum has been really helpful, so I will continue to show you love by doing so (not just for the food that is offered). I really am willing to change for you. Please be aware of that.

What more can I do for you?

A big point is I do do everything for others more than myself and I am willing to do so. It is time to set boundaries that show myself that I love who I am, and not more than others.

Prayer needs to be worked on. Continue seeking help through prayer, written or said aloud.

Hie to the temple. Ask your wife for ways I can do that since it is closed now.

Be aware of where your emotions are taking you. Especially anger. Listen to them, but don't react or act out. Think before you do. You are wise.

4.1 Letter to myself, To take away my Self-Angst

Dear other John,

I know that I have said that I hate you. I'm sorry for the blame but if there is one thing that is truthful, it's not that I hate. It's that, at this time I don't totally understand you; at least why you would come out, why you lay dormant, why this creature that you are is so alone and not really a part of me.

I don't want that to be the case. And honestly, I am you. If good and bad were off the table, like it should always be, I do understand you. You like sex. What man doesn't? You care about your wife enough to tell her all the negative aspects of her life to try to force her to change. I think that is gone about the wrong way (since for the most part, you are normally a harmless person in general), but what man doesn't make some visionary mistakes like you? You love your good friend Carlos. What man, thinking someone was taking advantage of him (erroneously and blaming his wife) would let the con artist do such a thing? Not I.

You have the best of intentions but we need to talk about some of these things. I don't like how you've been treating other people: yourself, your friend and his wife, but especially your wife. You have quite the catch and she has stood by all different facets of your temperament. I, like her, want to be on your fighting side. You are just a facet of me that loves humans but just doesn't have the correct bringing up to know the manners and the ethics of your thoughts. I defend you because I love you. I want the best for you and your soon to be family, and I want you to be whole with your entire body, and not faceted as much.

You are not alone. And even though what you do affects me, I hope to always stand by your side and not to put you in a cell, where there is no room to grow and no room for change. Even though, in the last hospital, you did help the actualized John change. Wow, how you ran a rampage in Jail and in Prison. Please not let's ever cross a man again to the extent that I did so at Carlos' apartment nor how I treated the ones that had me captive for 2 days.

Remember what the light of day feels like and how much I love you and want the best for you. Remember that there is a man that suffered so that you didn't have to, if only you choose to follow him. Remember that He is ALWAYS your advocate even when I am not understanding what it is you are doing. Let's always be on the same page with our actions. I love you. I don't want to go back to jail, nor do I ever want you to enter a cell like that again. Although I can't make any promises that life will be that easy, I can say that Sarah is a rock, almost to the degree of toughness as the Savior.

Always stick by your woman. She is here for you, to be by your side at all times, in all things and in all places. Take time to thank her each day for being there for you and be grateful for her strength and trust in your heart of hearts.

Like I said, I love you, and we will get through this together.

John

3.23.2020 My Incarcerations stories

I am having a really hard last hour. It is currently 10PM and I've been complaining to Sarah all the woes of stuff that have been happening. Since I haven't written in a while, let me 'briefly explain' what was going on in my mind to be crying my head off for the last several minutes:

I no longer really have friends here in Mesa. Let me explain.

I wigged out at Carlos and Elizabeth's house a couple weeks ago that sent me to Jail and Prison. It wasn't a fun experience, to say the least. I have one person (Cocco my nurse) who really fully understands the agony I had to go through. I was pepper sprayed and worst off, tazed in the back 3 times that I can remember, all for being under a hard metal bed. I remember the water running into my eyes that the firemen at least provided me in that small instance. I went crazy in jail. I was having running, really racing thoughts about how I am adopted or that my parents couldn't have sex with each other so they conspired (well, really, my mom) conspired to have sex with Uncle Dana and Uncle Steve, her brothers, and had me and Briana and Sarah and that Jacob is the only real kid that was a Gonzales. Those thoughts still haunt me and it is hard to get them out because of how tainted I am thinking and thinking about them in jail.

I thought I was on my own. They kept the lights on so I had no idea how long I was really in the cell they put me in "I3." I remember being seen by a lawyer but what came out of it was not the outcome I wanted. I could've been in there for a multiplicity of days and if my wife hadn't been on the outside trying to get me out during this time, I may not even have a true recollection of time.

I was handcuffed and carted off to Florence. I thought, will Sarah even know where the heck I am. So, I memorized the last three bits of information that I could remember that would at least give me a headway into giving my wife details. However, those details were never divulged out of me in a letter form because then I went crazy again.

I was with several other men. A black man, a Jesus looking man with long hair, and an indian man to say the least. They all waited with me for like an hour until we were finally given time to eat. But then I read the rules on the walls, and thought that my woman side of myself is taking over my stay there at the Prison in florence. So, I really wigged out this time, but this time, since I was in Prison, I was among people that acted more feminine than ever, on the homosexual side, who would belittle me and ultimately, after calling me all the girly names in the book, would not say my name right and make me have sex with whomever they pleased.

And believe me, it felt like that was what might happen in Prison, for they clothed me in a green robe barely big enough to fit my body, which looked liked a dress and locked me in a dalmation spotted Jail cell, that was filthy and left no room for comfort. The only comfort I had was my robe, and by the way, I was naked, stark naked. I couldn't tell what part of the floor was cleaned and what part wasn't, and worst, throughout this whole time I was freaking out about the corona virus. And worse off yet, my toilet barely had clean water. It was full of diarrhea from someone else, or multiple people, and the water was almost non existent.

They sat outside my cell the whole time, freaking me out. They gave me food that tasted rotten and they treated me with so much disrespect, but I hardly called for respect myself, so I can see why. I just tried to sleep, but the whole time I was paranoid, dying of sleep deprivation, while trying to make sure they didn't barge into my room and taze me some more.

I literally trapped myself in my room, saying no one person would be able to get me out of this hell unless they said my name or could say the right name of my spouse. Nobody could, until after I covered the floor in poop filth and set imaginary lines that only people that could say the name or kill me would get in. They finally came in with their shields, crushing my lungs in a corner, dragging me out of the cell kicking and screaming.

My name was very important, and they said Gonzales, which made me trust at least one of them, or at least pacified me until they cleaned me up, and carted me off to what I thought was Mexico. Me among some friendly mexicans themselves, saying that they would help me. It was a glimmer of hope. It was morning. Sunday morning. I was out of the hell hole and going somewhere safer than that prison. But it still wasn't home. It wasn't even mexico. It was somewhere in Mesa. Connections. With a policeman who didn't know really where he was going.

They assessed me and put me in a chair to wait. Better than CBI, at least, but not by much. I was in such high stress that I really thought that they were going to circumcise me and slipped me a mickey to do so. When I woke up from "the mickey," I still had my penis in tact. And several hours ? later, I was in the part of the hospital where I could finally see my wife.




Since then, I have left the hospital and found out that I have no friends, no branch (congregation) to go back to, and hardly a soul to trust.

I know those things aren't entirely true, but it still hurts to know that Carlos may never come back to me in friendship in this life. I will miss him. But what's worse is I can't get the shaky feeling of the permanence of death, even though I know that resurrection does happen. It is still a debilitating thought to wonder on those things.

I never want Sarah to leave my side, and yet, to grow I know movings may happen.

I hope to Heavenly Father that nothing to moving happens because of my disability. I wish I had more courage.

I pray that God may be ever-present in my life.

Amen,
John

3.22 Letter to a Favorite Instructor/Director

Hi Leia!

I hope you are doing well!

First off, I wanted to apologize for being presumptuous (?), I am just sorry for giving you my opinion of becoming a professor. I know it probably didn't phase you that much, but it felt bad coming from me. You are great in whatever capacity you choose to be. I actually think you would make a great professor, although your ethics will probably need to change...haha. But that is only in how you treat me as a teacher student relationship. I mean, I love how you teach us, but sometimes I think it is too much of a casual relationship, lol. Like I said, don't look too much, I think a lot and our relationship has been really fun and enlightening, so I am grateful for that. Perhaps the relationship between voice instructor and student is as 'ethical' as I think it ought to be. So, don't think about it too much.

ANYWAYS...haha, like I said, I've been thinking a lot.

I did something musical that I am really proud of with the parameters that were set. Here's the link

https://youtu.be/HSwLxEdE9Es

I really wanted to share it with you. I am in a program Now for troubled adults (with disabilities and other things), and I have really been enjoying it. I learn so much from the classes and thinking about the way I actually feel emotionally and not holding it in so much that I explode later on someone or multiple someones.

Anyways, the day I performed this was barely my third day in the class system, 4th day of ever being at Momentum (is what it is called). The first day I noticed they were having a talent show, and I immediately decided right then and there that I would sign up. Which is what I did, happily, and with the approval of like everyone there, or like most everyone there (I had a musical spat with someone which I would happily tell you about another day [needless to say, I felt like I was in a dramatical musical when I got in the spat] haha).

The performance was AL-mostly seamless. Okay, it was the most perfect thing but I enjoyed it. I had way too much expectation for it. LIke I wanted to write a verse even for my wife about our most recent vacation, all in a matter of like 1 day of real practice. It's also guitar, which is also a strength, but not a great strength of mine, and the guitar piece was actually several different pieces of instrumentation in actuality.

You may know the song

Our Last Summer from the Musical-Mamma Mia!

Well, one last thing, there are many different voices singing the song. But ALL THAT BEING SAID, AND HAVING BEEN A LITTLE OVERWHELMED WITH IT THE DAY BEFORE, The song turned out very very well, I think. I'll let you be the judge, honestly. I loved doing it, as you will probably see by watching the performance.

Man, I am in my element when I perform or help others perform, Leia. It is entirely my element, which is why I want to pursue choral director.

Let me get out of the meat and potatoes of my letter and just straight up and ask you.

I really would like to know the songs or repertoire you had for me for this semester that is going on right now (or at least, trying to go on with all this semester).

I still haven't followed your counsel to seek out an instructor just yet, although, now I am seriously considering it. Seeing as how you were my instructor and said you know ME very well, I would like to know the song or songs you thought up of before I even pursue this course of action.

Leia, I miss it and miss you as my instructor, personally. You were a very good first director for me, and the thought of going to another director/instructor pains me a bit. I've had to go through a lot of changes recently, so another is firstly not really welcomed but definitely needed in my life. I would love to get back to singing again, because I need these avenues again in my life.

I have thought of so many songs I'd like to do, that is why I want your direction right now in choosing music, before I even think about getting a new instructor anywhere. Or maybe even just to think about since that whole coronavirus thing is going on. I hope it hasn't affected you too badly.

Also, this is just a personal dream because we still haven't bought it yet, but I want that Adventures in Singing book, ASAP. I really was devouring that book, as you can probably tell by my notes. But alas, I need to wait to earn the money somehow to get those pages of next few chapters while I wait for it to come. I guess I was asking if you could somehow photocopy chapters for me to print out later, or just to have on my computer as PDFs. Not sure what you feel or think about this.

Those were the two most pressing things that I wanted to very wordily ask you for, haha. I am going much more cabin feverly than most people because I lost so much, like my job and my status of student. Even if you wanted to photocopy and give me homework, I would appreciate that more than not having the book.

Well, Leia, I love you as a friend and student would their teacher and friend. Thank you so much for even reading this lengthy letter and considering with me stuff we can do to make my life not as miserable while I wait (with others) the prospect of a new semester.

Truly,
John

2.27 Confusion Chiasmus to be Self Reliant or not to Be - What?

Self reliance
abundant life
Spiritual less than and not equal to physical

Here we Go:

1. I create a self reliant life
2. I am creative
Indicative of a life well lived.
3. My day time monster
4. That visits my dreams a night
Is almost non-
Existence 2 NEFI 2:25
So that I may have joy conflagrate 2 Nephi  2...
ADAM, The Father, The
Son - Moses Seven
Nothing burns
Seven times Red Sea's Son
The Language (IDIOMA) of God's son 
[Adam or Christ?] 1 Cor. 15  We were/ I was
Burning
Happiness in His Plan
Will
Give me
Presence
sNOT almost- A lYtle
Day Night & Day [resurection]]
A/The Terrors [nightmares]
Breeeeeeeakeven [with my sister] day time mares
Master
Chicks led by Master Hen under her wing [3 Nephi close to 11]
Indicator (gauges like crystals or dice) purports
Creativity in
1. Reliance is my Creation

Longing for a womenly connection

I wonder if that is where my longing for Her began. When I proposed to each one of my not wives. My mean in heart that denied me, almost betrayed me 3 times over. I longed to be with Her, my first real girlfriend after my mission. She was my peruvian Girlfriend in the morning

Prevision, a longing for 2007 john at home

HOME-SICK-NESS Dis ease, resulting in  a girlfriend that didn't attach herself to me, co dependently, even though I had starting that december, a new Christmas, and a new semester and a new 2008, vowing and decreeing that I would have her, which led me to fall into an outer spirit of Joy for her in may of the following year, on my mission and off it. Sadness struck. A longing that could never be made by HOME but by pure love, of christ. Gracious as it is to lead to my first vision in bed. With a man. Home sick was no fun, and has been no fun until I forgave myself of all of those things. It is no longer with me, that first vision.

6.11.2008-9.5.2009 The most difficult of Lights in my Bed

An angel of Darkness appeared to me that night. I had not told anybody even God or my Girls. But it needed to be said. I love men. So I spent it with him that night in my divine Craziness. Finding half truths in the bathroom, vowing to always choose certain shampoos, and to never let go, even though Christ was the only master of not letting go there is. I saw Lucifer in the form of Christ, as I spent it with him in the bed. He-who-must-not-be-named was there, thus beginning my obsession with all things Horcruxes, and the light of Harry Potter. I saw It that night and took mental pictures in my mind as a pressure machine which had a clock and belonged to my heart saw me free. My heart was there, weeping for me, as I began that long hard journey to the hospital for the sick and afflicted. My stay  was long and dreary and never to be wanted again even though I had vowed again to bare them and to not go on that night.

Dreams of things Fore told, not my first 2.27

Children.

I had a series of dreams.

Come, Come Ye Saint, Be Released from your first Vision

As I recount my visions so eloquently as to describe them as more than nightmares, I do so earnestly.

The Book of Mormon, though real, has been in my life. Stories of Ammon and Alma the prophet, Zarehemla, the place, and Abundancia. Literal Z to As.

In my studies as a beginning missionary, I had already encountered Ether and his predecessors. All prophets of a time fore told. But here I am, a young folly-full youth in his early almosts decade of 20s.

I was crying in my heart to a God who understood English, not spanish, but my fore fathers knew I was destined to speak many, German being my principal now.

I sat at the desk crying, knowing my need for repentance from my pride over Languages. And I read Ether 3. Never that now I can remember had a scripture reached through it's pages to rip me out of my vanity in front of all who fittingly would call me their friends, and one who still would be my companion, even though I said Jehovah, like Jehova, weird.

I knew that if Mahonri Moriancumer could do it, I surely could. And it got me through that first 3 days, in a mission I had reluctantly accepted to a people I would at first, be reluctant to find and teach, regardless of Elder  McLaws pleadings.

Thanks be to God for thos 16 stones that turned to light with the touch of the Master Toucher's hands. A Gad among the rest.

Light and life. From Jesus, to the Christ.

It was beautiful

I saw him, the Elders of our hearts. To see them and to keep them in our hearts, always to be remembered, because I always fear I will not be remembered from my mission, but keeping them alive in our hearts makes my Missionary in me feel very useful as a member, when I am not being a missionary, and just loving them, and on them.

Missionary Fireside (MESA 1st)\\

More HOliness give me
Elder Waters singing A child's prayer memorized in Spanish

LOST PART 1

Where would I be if the bomb had not gone off!

I have this vague picture in my mind of the Trinity. I almost forgot her. She was crazy and probably has potential with me but I met her in the loony tunes bin. She was understanding, but no one is more of EVERYTHING than my beautiful LIFE, o sea, esposa/WIFE!

She is beautiful. Makes me laugh. Stays in the way of my inner peace demons. She listens. How come? Coming what may she liked and loved to drink. She felt as dis sease with the world. But I am coming to understand her as I understand her with Love and compassion, and not by sitting in her metaphorical chair.

I was looking for her after she left and believe me I missed her when I found her in the Ease of Life.

She was skinny. Needs a makeover, but I still love her with her short or long hair, with her tendency for running, with her Peruvian-ness spanish. I love her for her sweetness and kindness, her tendency towards knowledge above the books of life.

I miss her when she's completely gone, but I know she will make her way back into all of my girls, my jewels, precious, and of great price para mi.

She's here with me in my consumption and condescension which transcends all things.

I love her.

2.17 Seventeen Days Later and Now Feeling Myself, and It Feels Good and Happy

I told Sarah secrets about myself that I had never ever ever told anyone. I cannot stress all the evers. Secrets from my mission last night in bed. I woke up to a dream about about getting a baptismal record right.

It's kinda crazy how true my dreams have become since I got sick. In fact, I am dreaming more than I ever thought I could, and it's scary. Just scary. But I am making it be okay. Life is great, nothing will get in my way because i am really finding out who I am.

I love reading, in general. But it has to interest me before I learn about it or get into the fictional world.

Sarah and I had a great night last night and I wrote a poem. It was at the very first missionary fireside that we as a  couple have gone to. It was an interesting experience. It isn't really sensical but this is what I wrote:

The Earth weeps the death of

Him who lived

Testified unto death.

I love him. But I shall

Not weep. Death is only a

Worker Bee's sting

Who sleeps But

Wakes up to the Head

of my Resurrection.

-Jose Suancitio

It was a strength to me to see our spanish Elders and Sisters.

Sister Constanzi and I click. Music does that for us but there is so much more. It almost makes me cry. I wish I could see more of her in my life. We shall be great friends, I hope. She has the same piano story as i, except hers is in development.

Billy took my like the male-nurse he is. And I was very grateful for the Fried Chicken and potato salad. He was very good to me. Just reading off the list of side effects of my medicine. Which I got a new one today. Hopefully it works to stop my drooling. That is the lowest form of feeling to me, besides feeling tired.

BUT, I HAVE FELT MORE MYSELF. NO TIREDNESS. I HAVE A NEW SENSE OF LIFE.

Sarah had problems today with her work and President's day, but it is all worked out now. We were up super early and did the gym thing. I absolutely love the enclosed space of the raquetball court.

Coco is a good nurse, and I met someone Mona sp? that doesn't like Nirva, but does like Leticia. I'm glad I met her.

I DROVE TODAY! More miracles, happy ones. Are there sad miracles? 

Our house is a mess, but our lives are happy.

We watched a house show today: Fixer Upper. It was wonderful.

Sarah reminds me that there are people my age that haven't accomplished half as much stuff as I, and that I can still accomplish many things before I die, which I have, and always will. Life will always be celebrated in my household. Even if I died tomorrow, I can live knowing that I was an influence for good, and that I was always myself in every instance, even those where I thought I was less than who I was.

Christ's atonement covers me because he descended below me, knowing who I was and always choosing good for me. He is my Spirit. the One I choose to follow.

Deseret book was good to us today.

V-day

It hurts me to think I can't remember last V-day that well.

Actually, Mrs. Nicole got married. I remember. It was spectacular.

This one was really great.

I laughed. I cried. I shouted. I whimpered.

But overall, the best Vday I've ever had so far. Yet.

Okay Iowa. And Elder Johnson.

Life is good. Thinking about Adam and Eve this morning was great. The Torah, Quoran, and other bibles.

Difficulties and blessings

The Water is off, but everything seems to be working out!

I wrote three new music Blogposts. They are great!

Life is just me trying to talk to the world again. It's difficult.

I wish I was with friends again.

I can't stand waiting at home without work, for my wife to come home at 6:30pm everyday or later.

Life was not meant to be this way.

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/modes.html

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/a-changed-love-poem-for-sarah.html

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/poem-in-creation-pray-and-obey.html

The Hard Truth of life since January 1

I went to the mental hospital for the third time in 11 years. This time is different. I'm married. And to someone who loves me back. I LOVE HER with all my heart.

2.10.2020 Abendempfindung

Evening Thoughts

As I gaze at the tree I bought for $1, my day was long and full. It ended with the Naumann's. They bought us many a churro, with the Hoffman's, a new-ish couple that have connections to the Churro business as well. She remembered me yesterday, at church, knowing that I had been gone. As she remembers her song Jared, several times over. They invited me for dinner and time to be with them tomorrow.

This is the prayer I thought of during the night afterwords.

Pray and obey
What it is they say.
Before I go down to lay
My head, and sleep this day.

Father, I thank thee this day,
For Light, and knowledge come my way.
I excitedly glean all The Words, of love
From they bounteous Hand.
I know thou art here to
Be a Head in my Life.
I gratefully cal thy name, O God.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalm 129, a translation

• 1. I have been anguished
• Oh Israel,
• From my Childhood
• 2. It will not overpower my soul
• 3. ?
• 4. God is righteous
• He cuts the damned one's cords.
• ...
• 8. Jehovah's blessings
• Be upon us
• In his name, Amen.

3 empowerments by Sarah, for me (unsure when written, after 1.13.2020)

I empower John to feel his full love.

I empower John to be present. I empower John to be choosing his now.

John is supported during his processes of transformation.

2.9.2020 I bless the sacrament for the first time in a while, Sarah Writes

2.9.20

Today John blessed the sacrament. He didn't get it right the first time. I don't know what mistake he made. I'm not even sure if he knew.

But he was asked to do it again and he did.

He was asked to do it again. It didn't mean he did anything wrong or was bad, or that his heart was in the wrong place. He just needed to do it another time so that it would be done accordingly. According to the law.

We might think that God, a loving God in this case, would let it slide...would, in order to not send the wrong message, that things will be okay if it's just this once. But high expectations lead to high results, and, instead of showing love if he let it slide, he would show the message 'I don't believe in you

I don't believe that you are capable of doing it.'

Mostly anyone is capable of blessing the sacrament correctly. In some ways it's a relatively easy thing to do. However, in our lives, there are things where God gives us a do-over in order to help us learn right. To teach us we ARE capable of trying AND succeeding. And doing things perfectly, with HIS help, every time.

New Year Resolutions and Goals for 2020

New Year Resolutions and Goals

For 2020

1. Watch my decrees and be very deliberate with my words.
a. Say affirmations every day.
b. Use good/better/best language. Realize the potential of everything I say.
c. Be nice to myself.


2. Come closer to God through:
a. Learning about Him and Christ (*see list of books)
b. Seeking inspiration (*see list of books)
c. Going to holy places
i. Check in with Sarah to come up with how often I/we should go to the temple. (At least once a month-twice)
ii. Nature (parks, camping, water)
d. Reading His word (*see list of books)
e. Listening to Inspired people (*see list of books)

3. Increase in skills and understanding

a. Music
i. Compose
1. Write themed music.
2. Choral music (spiritual)

b. Cooking
i. Try something new every week, to strengthen my cooking skills.

c. Language
i. Continue learning the rules of the language.
ii. Focus on the languages of my youth
1. Spanish (KEEP IT UP)
2. English
iii. The languages I learn to sing in Diction
1. German
2. Italian
3. Latin
4. French
a. Seek help from Sarah for this one.

d. Reading (*see reading chart)
i. Books
ii. Reading with Sarah (perhaps 1 a quarter)

e. Video editing
i. Continue making short vlogs.
1. Highlight the family of my wife.
ii. Videos with music recordings.

f. Podcasting???
i. Developing something.
ii. Make outlines.
iii. Just start. Learn.

g. Write a book/s.
i. Come up with ideas
1. My time learning energy healing

4. Reach out to family more
a. Increase activity in the Family Group Text
b. Inspire sibling chats
c. Inspire chats with Parents
d. Continue getting close to Briana through Polo
e. Perhaps, start a thing in which we can all participate in (like March Madness)


5. Meditate
a. Ground myself
b. Listen to the signals of my body
i. If there is pain. To stop and really think about the pain and understand the emotional roots of the thing.
ii. Eat only what is needed. Follow the counsel of Manna from Heaven. (Intuitive eating)
c. Give myself time throughout my day to focus inward.
i. Taking walks around the lake. Pausing a video to think. Slowing down.
d. Follow my intuition/the spirit.


6. Be a good example of Leadership and service.
a. Follow the Spirit/Intuition in all things.
b. In my calling.
i. Help, where help is needed.
ii. Let people grow on their own, trusting that they will accomplish everything that I put in front of them to do. If they do not, to be understanding, reproving betimes with sharpness, and then showing an increase of love afterwards.

1. Doctrine and Covenants 121:40-46
a. Hence many are called, but few are chosen.~No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;~By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—~Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;~That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.~Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.~The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

b. In being a fellowman.

i. Mosiah 2:17
1. “And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”

c. Learn leadership qualities
i. Trust
ii. Allowing others to do their goals.
iii. Find what is making me frustrated, and change it.
iv. Faith


7. Express my feelings and set good boundaries
a. Speak up when I am not getting my needs met.
b. Communicate.
c. Let people know what I will and will not tolerate.
d. Tell people my thoughts.

8. Develop the church choir, and other choirs I get a hold of


9. Teach others things that I know, love and appreciate
a. Tutor people.



10. Treat my body well, through proper care.

a. Working out.
i. Maybe I can get a randomizer that picks 3-4 days a week in which I can do it.

b. Eat well.
i. Always have breakfast, lunch and dinner. (or really, eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full.

c. Take time to keep it clean, including:
i. Proper table manners.
ii. Chewing

iii. Blowing nose with tissue.

11. Create systems of organization.
a.
b. Bookcase
c. Clothes
d. Office supplies.
e. Car
f. How I want to use my time and resources for the day.
g. Bathroom
h. Living room
i. Kitchen
j. Dining room
k.

12. Bring romance into our lives.

a. Use romance book, and other sources for Ideas to bring excitement into our sometimes mundane lives.
b. Use sweet and kind words.
c. Love Sarah.