2.27 Confusion Chiasmus to be Self Reliant or not to Be - What?

Self reliance
abundant life
Spiritual less than and not equal to physical

Here we Go:

1. I create a self reliant life
2. I am creative
Indicative of a life well lived.
3. My day time monster
4. That visits my dreams a night
Is almost non-
Existence 2 NEFI 2:25
So that I may have joy conflagrate 2 Nephi  2...
ADAM, The Father, The
Son - Moses Seven
Nothing burns
Seven times Red Sea's Son
The Language (IDIOMA) of God's son 
[Adam or Christ?] 1 Cor. 15  We were/ I was
Burning
Happiness in His Plan
Will
Give me
Presence
sNOT almost- A lYtle
Day Night & Day [resurection]]
A/The Terrors [nightmares]
Breeeeeeeakeven [with my sister] day time mares
Master
Chicks led by Master Hen under her wing [3 Nephi close to 11]
Indicator (gauges like crystals or dice) purports
Creativity in
1. Reliance is my Creation

Longing for a womenly connection

I wonder if that is where my longing for Her began. When I proposed to each one of my not wives. My mean in heart that denied me, almost betrayed me 3 times over. I longed to be with Her, my first real girlfriend after my mission. She was my peruvian Girlfriend in the morning

Prevision, a longing for 2007 john at home

HOME-SICK-NESS Dis ease, resulting in  a girlfriend that didn't attach herself to me, co dependently, even though I had starting that december, a new Christmas, and a new semester and a new 2008, vowing and decreeing that I would have her, which led me to fall into an outer spirit of Joy for her in may of the following year, on my mission and off it. Sadness struck. A longing that could never be made by HOME but by pure love, of christ. Gracious as it is to lead to my first vision in bed. With a man. Home sick was no fun, and has been no fun until I forgave myself of all of those things. It is no longer with me, that first vision.

6.11.2008-9.5.2009 The most difficult of Lights in my Bed

An angel of Darkness appeared to me that night. I had not told anybody even God or my Girls. But it needed to be said. I love men. So I spent it with him that night in my divine Craziness. Finding half truths in the bathroom, vowing to always choose certain shampoos, and to never let go, even though Christ was the only master of not letting go there is. I saw Lucifer in the form of Christ, as I spent it with him in the bed. He-who-must-not-be-named was there, thus beginning my obsession with all things Horcruxes, and the light of Harry Potter. I saw It that night and took mental pictures in my mind as a pressure machine which had a clock and belonged to my heart saw me free. My heart was there, weeping for me, as I began that long hard journey to the hospital for the sick and afflicted. My stay  was long and dreary and never to be wanted again even though I had vowed again to bare them and to not go on that night.

Dreams of things Fore told, not my first 2.27

Children.

I had a series of dreams.

Come, Come Ye Saint, Be Released from your first Vision

As I recount my visions so eloquently as to describe them as more than nightmares, I do so earnestly.

The Book of Mormon, though real, has been in my life. Stories of Ammon and Alma the prophet, Zarehemla, the place, and Abundancia. Literal Z to As.

In my studies as a beginning missionary, I had already encountered Ether and his predecessors. All prophets of a time fore told. But here I am, a young folly-full youth in his early almosts decade of 20s.

I was crying in my heart to a God who understood English, not spanish, but my fore fathers knew I was destined to speak many, German being my principal now.

I sat at the desk crying, knowing my need for repentance from my pride over Languages. And I read Ether 3. Never that now I can remember had a scripture reached through it's pages to rip me out of my vanity in front of all who fittingly would call me their friends, and one who still would be my companion, even though I said Jehovah, like Jehova, weird.

I knew that if Mahonri Moriancumer could do it, I surely could. And it got me through that first 3 days, in a mission I had reluctantly accepted to a people I would at first, be reluctant to find and teach, regardless of Elder  McLaws pleadings.

Thanks be to God for thos 16 stones that turned to light with the touch of the Master Toucher's hands. A Gad among the rest.

Light and life. From Jesus, to the Christ.

It was beautiful

I saw him, the Elders of our hearts. To see them and to keep them in our hearts, always to be remembered, because I always fear I will not be remembered from my mission, but keeping them alive in our hearts makes my Missionary in me feel very useful as a member, when I am not being a missionary, and just loving them, and on them.

Missionary Fireside (MESA 1st)\\

More HOliness give me
Elder Waters singing A child's prayer memorized in Spanish

LOST PART 1

Where would I be if the bomb had not gone off!

I have this vague picture in my mind of the Trinity. I almost forgot her. She was crazy and probably has potential with me but I met her in the loony tunes bin. She was understanding, but no one is more of EVERYTHING than my beautiful LIFE, o sea, esposa/WIFE!

She is beautiful. Makes me laugh. Stays in the way of my inner peace demons. She listens. How come? Coming what may she liked and loved to drink. She felt as dis sease with the world. But I am coming to understand her as I understand her with Love and compassion, and not by sitting in her metaphorical chair.

I was looking for her after she left and believe me I missed her when I found her in the Ease of Life.

She was skinny. Needs a makeover, but I still love her with her short or long hair, with her tendency for running, with her Peruvian-ness spanish. I love her for her sweetness and kindness, her tendency towards knowledge above the books of life.

I miss her when she's completely gone, but I know she will make her way back into all of my girls, my jewels, precious, and of great price para mi.

She's here with me in my consumption and condescension which transcends all things.

I love her.

2.17 Seventeen Days Later and Now Feeling Myself, and It Feels Good and Happy

I told Sarah secrets about myself that I had never ever ever told anyone. I cannot stress all the evers. Secrets from my mission last night in bed. I woke up to a dream about about getting a baptismal record right.

It's kinda crazy how true my dreams have become since I got sick. In fact, I am dreaming more than I ever thought I could, and it's scary. Just scary. But I am making it be okay. Life is great, nothing will get in my way because i am really finding out who I am.

I love reading, in general. But it has to interest me before I learn about it or get into the fictional world.

Sarah and I had a great night last night and I wrote a poem. It was at the very first missionary fireside that we as a  couple have gone to. It was an interesting experience. It isn't really sensical but this is what I wrote:

The Earth weeps the death of

Him who lived

Testified unto death.

I love him. But I shall

Not weep. Death is only a

Worker Bee's sting

Who sleeps But

Wakes up to the Head

of my Resurrection.

-Jose Suancitio

It was a strength to me to see our spanish Elders and Sisters.

Sister Constanzi and I click. Music does that for us but there is so much more. It almost makes me cry. I wish I could see more of her in my life. We shall be great friends, I hope. She has the same piano story as i, except hers is in development.

Billy took my like the male-nurse he is. And I was very grateful for the Fried Chicken and potato salad. He was very good to me. Just reading off the list of side effects of my medicine. Which I got a new one today. Hopefully it works to stop my drooling. That is the lowest form of feeling to me, besides feeling tired.

BUT, I HAVE FELT MORE MYSELF. NO TIREDNESS. I HAVE A NEW SENSE OF LIFE.

Sarah had problems today with her work and President's day, but it is all worked out now. We were up super early and did the gym thing. I absolutely love the enclosed space of the raquetball court.

Coco is a good nurse, and I met someone Mona sp? that doesn't like Nirva, but does like Leticia. I'm glad I met her.

I DROVE TODAY! More miracles, happy ones. Are there sad miracles? 

Our house is a mess, but our lives are happy.

We watched a house show today: Fixer Upper. It was wonderful.

Sarah reminds me that there are people my age that haven't accomplished half as much stuff as I, and that I can still accomplish many things before I die, which I have, and always will. Life will always be celebrated in my household. Even if I died tomorrow, I can live knowing that I was an influence for good, and that I was always myself in every instance, even those where I thought I was less than who I was.

Christ's atonement covers me because he descended below me, knowing who I was and always choosing good for me. He is my Spirit. the One I choose to follow.

Deseret book was good to us today.

V-day

It hurts me to think I can't remember last V-day that well.

Actually, Mrs. Nicole got married. I remember. It was spectacular.

This one was really great.

I laughed. I cried. I shouted. I whimpered.

But overall, the best Vday I've ever had so far. Yet.

Okay Iowa. And Elder Johnson.

Life is good. Thinking about Adam and Eve this morning was great. The Torah, Quoran, and other bibles.

Difficulties and blessings

The Water is off, but everything seems to be working out!

I wrote three new music Blogposts. They are great!

Life is just me trying to talk to the world again. It's difficult.

I wish I was with friends again.

I can't stand waiting at home without work, for my wife to come home at 6:30pm everyday or later.

Life was not meant to be this way.

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/modes.html

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/a-changed-love-poem-for-sarah.html

https://musicistheanchor.blogspot.com/2020/02/poem-in-creation-pray-and-obey.html

The Hard Truth of life since January 1

I went to the mental hospital for the third time in 11 years. This time is different. I'm married. And to someone who loves me back. I LOVE HER with all my heart.

2.10.2020 Abendempfindung

Evening Thoughts

As I gaze at the tree I bought for $1, my day was long and full. It ended with the Naumann's. They bought us many a churro, with the Hoffman's, a new-ish couple that have connections to the Churro business as well. She remembered me yesterday, at church, knowing that I had been gone. As she remembers her song Jared, several times over. They invited me for dinner and time to be with them tomorrow.

This is the prayer I thought of during the night afterwords.

Pray and obey
What it is they say.
Before I go down to lay
My head, and sleep this day.

Father, I thank thee this day,
For Light, and knowledge come my way.
I excitedly glean all The Words, of love
From they bounteous Hand.
I know thou art here to
Be a Head in my Life.
I gratefully cal thy name, O God.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalm 129, a translation

• 1. I have been anguished
• Oh Israel,
• From my Childhood
• 2. It will not overpower my soul
• 3. ?
• 4. God is righteous
• He cuts the damned one's cords.
• ...
• 8. Jehovah's blessings
• Be upon us
• In his name, Amen.

3 empowerments by Sarah, for me (unsure when written, after 1.13.2020)

I empower John to feel his full love.

I empower John to be present. I empower John to be choosing his now.

John is supported during his processes of transformation.

2.9.2020 I bless the sacrament for the first time in a while, Sarah Writes

2.9.20

Today John blessed the sacrament. He didn't get it right the first time. I don't know what mistake he made. I'm not even sure if he knew.

But he was asked to do it again and he did.

He was asked to do it again. It didn't mean he did anything wrong or was bad, or that his heart was in the wrong place. He just needed to do it another time so that it would be done accordingly. According to the law.

We might think that God, a loving God in this case, would let it slide...would, in order to not send the wrong message, that things will be okay if it's just this once. But high expectations lead to high results, and, instead of showing love if he let it slide, he would show the message 'I don't believe in you

I don't believe that you are capable of doing it.'

Mostly anyone is capable of blessing the sacrament correctly. In some ways it's a relatively easy thing to do. However, in our lives, there are things where God gives us a do-over in order to help us learn right. To teach us we ARE capable of trying AND succeeding. And doing things perfectly, with HIS help, every time.