Extension of my thoughts on Christmas 2019...
This Christmas, was an interesting one, as you may have read. I didn't actually spend the 25th of December with The Roots of my family (immediate). Which is funny, because I did spend it with the Arizona relatives: Uncle Steve and Janell with Morgan and Markie, plus all those whom we spent the day with ON CHRISTMAS DAY, who are family, just not immediate. Mom's sister, Aunt Ann, invited us to Christmas Breakfast, and it was also Glorious and Amazing. For, Peter, our good friend and adopted Arizona Brother was there (he is really close to me for reasons I will explain later), and the Williams family, Gracie, Kerry, and Jesse, and the Guest of Honor, Uncle David. Sarah had never met him since the we've been together, and he is someone whom she meshed with really easily. Sarah is my family. It was really cool.
But this entry is about my Christmas with MY immediate family.
Leading up to the decision to come was wrought with a lot of hard feelings. Pain, confusion, and really, a bit of anxiety.
This year has been the year that I feel like I have been least close (by decision and circumstance) to my family. Now I can't speak for the entirety of the year. At the Start, Jacob was on his mission, Sarah and I were in AZ, and the rest of the siblings were in their respective places of residence, Sarah in Provo, and Briana, with Tony and Cohen in Rexburg. And there were moments of Joy and Happiness between ourselves...
but, being away, like really away.
This was the first year that I didn't feel connected to them, and really to three members of my family specifically, Sarah, my mom, and my dad.
Recent events, brought hard feelings between me and my dad, or at least, between me.
They had invited me to take them up on a offer to use money we would've used for Gas to get here (or I, for Sarah would be working), and they would pitch in the rest for a round-trip ticket to home and back, to maximize time with the family. After talking with Sarah, we thought what great an opportunity it would be to do this for me. So we agreed, however, there weren't any stipulations presented on first contact, and so when I had asked my parents to pitch in the full fare for the ticket and we would repay them, I must have struck a chord, and not a happy one, with my dad, because he was outraged, or perhaps, un-understanding. And very abrasive, which was totally unexpected.
This really hurt. I had already felt apart from them. But this just confirmed in my mind, that they don't trust me, and they aren't happy with me, etc. Thoughts stew in my mind, for, right now, I have this tendency to do that (one that has been with me from before I could honestly remember). And it hurt. It was not what I expected.
I couldn't really talk to them, leading up to this
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Friday, December 27, 2019
12/27 Christmas 2019:The First Gonzales/Trefflich Christmas
This Christmas, was a miracle.
I can't believe how much I have changed in this year. I started this year one way of being, and things have blossomed and I am, in some ways, changed. What I once was before, I am not anymore. All things are thus, Because of my choices to follow Christ, who is at the forefront of my heart and mind, even if I was, and still not completely one with his heart and mind.
I, like Enos, from the Book of Mormon, have had a wrestle with myself, and God, by part of my family, and the one that I have begun.
It has been a struggle, and there have been times where I was fearful because I believed in the worse outcome of the worse that seemed to be happening around me.
My parents invited me to come home for Christmas.
It was already in the plans that I come, but this year, my second year of marriage with my wife, Sarah Rebecca, was different than previous years. My wife had begun a new job, two or three months ago, giving up herself, for me, so that I may become the person I only had an inkling of knowing I could become. She knew my true potential.
Because of this full-time job, however, Christmas had to be spent among ourselves, and not among our immediate family, because Christmas fell on a Wednesday, and not in conjunction with the weekend (which would have allowed us to have more non-work days to be with family).
So, I had to make a choice about what Christmas was going to be for us.
I decided, in the end that I didn't want to abandon my wife in this Christ-filled holiday. So I didn't, and I spent Christmas with her. And all days preceding the holiday.
This was a struggle, as well. Sarah and I are still trying to find ourselves as a couple. The traditions we want to keep and the ones that are only meh traditions. But also creating new ones altogether that only the John/Sarah Gonzales family will do and make. And because this would be OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS with ourselves and not really anybody else, I knew I wanted my make this one our own, and only ours.
I felt like I had done a poor job, though. Not really, except that leading up to the holiday, on the 22nd, I realized that Sarah had not been feeling FESTIVE, that she was far away from this holiday as anyone ever was. I feel, mostly, because there wasn't a lot of things that she could SEE that she would count as things that were festive in her life. We had done a lot, but in the end, she was still far away from the holiday.
With this realization, came action, to make this a holiday that she would not forget (2/1 nights before Christmas Eve and Day). Yeah, I didn't do a good job leading up to make the holiday feel festive, but I was going to do my best to remedy that with hours to spare before the holiday itself.
The 23rd (next day), I decided to show Sarah that she can love OUR Christmas. And I started with incorporating a tradition of her Mothers that is very dear to her heart, that I had only realized on Sunday the 22nd. It was to decorate a door with wrapping paper to make it look like a gift or present, and stick all the Cards of the season, so that it looks like a present with cards on it. I didn't stop there. I only had hours to get this set up for her in surprise, but I took more money and bought two strings of lights, two Santa hats, two stockings, two garlands, and two more rolls of wrapping paper. And with that, along with a beautiful Christmas tree that Billy (Charles Snead) gave us, I decorated our Home.
I did that, and it was much appreciated, and longed for.
The 24th was not devoid of depressive feelings and sadness, for we still hadn't prepared ourselves for the Nochebuena activities, nor Christmas the next day. Well, after work (Sarah had gotten out before me unnaturally, that day), I joined myself with Sarah and made the most of the time outside of the home.
What Sarah hadn't known, is I had been inspired with a tune, days before, of which I used the 24th to add words and lyrics that fit it, to dedicate as my first song to a Woman (my women) that worked and was appropriate. I had spent a good portion of my last shift doing so, and I came up (miraculously) with four beautiful verses that fit the melody of this line. My plan was to share it with her, and this was the most opportune time, I felt.
It was a gift. For we had spent a couple hours outside the home in Dollar Tree, finding things we need, to give as gifts and useful things to help us organize our home (for we had bought a piece of furniture from IKEA recently). But Sarah's spirits were low. Especially because her plans of making the most of this Christmas, and the money that we had to buy things for organization didn't seem to be coming into fruition. And we were hungry, with no prospect of a meal for that evening, or for Nochebuena.
Well, I had the excuse, but true excuse to separate myself from her, so that I may go to the bathroom, and I was able to go to the nearest Grocery Store, if only but for a minute, while she headed to go to the nearest Other Dollar Tree to search for organization materials that were not present in the store we had gone to. I departed from her, letting her know I would meet her very soon.
At Fryes, after the pressure that was on my bladder that was pressing on me, I picked up several items of food. Something that I greatly wanted to incorporate into traditions. That something was bringing in Cornish Game Hen into the mix. I bought a pack of Cornish Game Hen, and it was glorious, cilantro, a sweet potato pie, two pizzas (cheapest) for our immediate hunger. I was also blessed to pick up a present for Jacob, which was $30 worth of Subway gift cards for he and Audrey (with the stipulation that $10 be for him, $10 for Audrey, and $10 for both of them to share, hehe). The limit was $15, hehe, in our family's secret Santa.
After the meeting Sarah at Dollar Tree, to get things that we both need, and that she needed, she was in a lighter mood, because Dollar Tree was not devoid of the thing/s that she wanted, and she also picked up things for me, and I gave her space so she could keep it a secret. But that made her happy.
We get home. And I tell her that I love her and I listen to her, holding her in our bed. Because the feeling is wavy, and she was feeling low, because of the circumstances of life and her attitude towards the holiday, and generational feelings toward the holiday that was still with her. After hearing her, and listening. I proposed from then, that we would make this our own holiday.
And that one of the first traditions that I wanted to uphold for every Gonzales/Trefflich Christmas hereafter would be for me, at around the 7PM hour on Christmas Eve, to offer blessings to her and to ALL members of our family that I am with (thinking of future children-filled Christmases). And, then afterwards, to share music with her, specifically the song that I had lovingly made for her, called, I Love You, I do!
And that is exactly what I did. And it was glorious.
Then I took over. We watched 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and we got a visit from our Elders (Boyack and Maughan), and I spent a good majority of that movie watching time making Arroz con Pollo, en estilo Peruano. And I took care of our feast that evening. And it turned out beautiful.
It was really great. Or at least that was my feeling of my first Gonzales/Trefflich-centered Christmas.
I love her and I would do anything for her, especially because she has done so much for me.
This will continue into another blog/journal post about Christmas 2019.
TO BE CONTINUED...
I can't believe how much I have changed in this year. I started this year one way of being, and things have blossomed and I am, in some ways, changed. What I once was before, I am not anymore. All things are thus, Because of my choices to follow Christ, who is at the forefront of my heart and mind, even if I was, and still not completely one with his heart and mind.
I, like Enos, from the Book of Mormon, have had a wrestle with myself, and God, by part of my family, and the one that I have begun.
It has been a struggle, and there have been times where I was fearful because I believed in the worse outcome of the worse that seemed to be happening around me.
My parents invited me to come home for Christmas.
It was already in the plans that I come, but this year, my second year of marriage with my wife, Sarah Rebecca, was different than previous years. My wife had begun a new job, two or three months ago, giving up herself, for me, so that I may become the person I only had an inkling of knowing I could become. She knew my true potential.
Because of this full-time job, however, Christmas had to be spent among ourselves, and not among our immediate family, because Christmas fell on a Wednesday, and not in conjunction with the weekend (which would have allowed us to have more non-work days to be with family).
So, I had to make a choice about what Christmas was going to be for us.
I decided, in the end that I didn't want to abandon my wife in this Christ-filled holiday. So I didn't, and I spent Christmas with her. And all days preceding the holiday.
This was a struggle, as well. Sarah and I are still trying to find ourselves as a couple. The traditions we want to keep and the ones that are only meh traditions. But also creating new ones altogether that only the John/Sarah Gonzales family will do and make. And because this would be OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS with ourselves and not really anybody else, I knew I wanted my make this one our own, and only ours.
I felt like I had done a poor job, though. Not really, except that leading up to the holiday, on the 22nd, I realized that Sarah had not been feeling FESTIVE, that she was far away from this holiday as anyone ever was. I feel, mostly, because there wasn't a lot of things that she could SEE that she would count as things that were festive in her life. We had done a lot, but in the end, she was still far away from the holiday.
With this realization, came action, to make this a holiday that she would not forget (2/1 nights before Christmas Eve and Day). Yeah, I didn't do a good job leading up to make the holiday feel festive, but I was going to do my best to remedy that with hours to spare before the holiday itself.
The 23rd (next day), I decided to show Sarah that she can love OUR Christmas. And I started with incorporating a tradition of her Mothers that is very dear to her heart, that I had only realized on Sunday the 22nd. It was to decorate a door with wrapping paper to make it look like a gift or present, and stick all the Cards of the season, so that it looks like a present with cards on it. I didn't stop there. I only had hours to get this set up for her in surprise, but I took more money and bought two strings of lights, two Santa hats, two stockings, two garlands, and two more rolls of wrapping paper. And with that, along with a beautiful Christmas tree that Billy (Charles Snead) gave us, I decorated our Home.
I did that, and it was much appreciated, and longed for.
The 24th was not devoid of depressive feelings and sadness, for we still hadn't prepared ourselves for the Nochebuena activities, nor Christmas the next day. Well, after work (Sarah had gotten out before me unnaturally, that day), I joined myself with Sarah and made the most of the time outside of the home.
What Sarah hadn't known, is I had been inspired with a tune, days before, of which I used the 24th to add words and lyrics that fit it, to dedicate as my first song to a Woman (my women) that worked and was appropriate. I had spent a good portion of my last shift doing so, and I came up (miraculously) with four beautiful verses that fit the melody of this line. My plan was to share it with her, and this was the most opportune time, I felt.
It was a gift. For we had spent a couple hours outside the home in Dollar Tree, finding things we need, to give as gifts and useful things to help us organize our home (for we had bought a piece of furniture from IKEA recently). But Sarah's spirits were low. Especially because her plans of making the most of this Christmas, and the money that we had to buy things for organization didn't seem to be coming into fruition. And we were hungry, with no prospect of a meal for that evening, or for Nochebuena.
Well, I had the excuse, but true excuse to separate myself from her, so that I may go to the bathroom, and I was able to go to the nearest Grocery Store, if only but for a minute, while she headed to go to the nearest Other Dollar Tree to search for organization materials that were not present in the store we had gone to. I departed from her, letting her know I would meet her very soon.
At Fryes, after the pressure that was on my bladder that was pressing on me, I picked up several items of food. Something that I greatly wanted to incorporate into traditions. That something was bringing in Cornish Game Hen into the mix. I bought a pack of Cornish Game Hen, and it was glorious, cilantro, a sweet potato pie, two pizzas (cheapest) for our immediate hunger. I was also blessed to pick up a present for Jacob, which was $30 worth of Subway gift cards for he and Audrey (with the stipulation that $10 be for him, $10 for Audrey, and $10 for both of them to share, hehe). The limit was $15, hehe, in our family's secret Santa.
After the meeting Sarah at Dollar Tree, to get things that we both need, and that she needed, she was in a lighter mood, because Dollar Tree was not devoid of the thing/s that she wanted, and she also picked up things for me, and I gave her space so she could keep it a secret. But that made her happy.
We get home. And I tell her that I love her and I listen to her, holding her in our bed. Because the feeling is wavy, and she was feeling low, because of the circumstances of life and her attitude towards the holiday, and generational feelings toward the holiday that was still with her. After hearing her, and listening. I proposed from then, that we would make this our own holiday.
And that one of the first traditions that I wanted to uphold for every Gonzales/Trefflich Christmas hereafter would be for me, at around the 7PM hour on Christmas Eve, to offer blessings to her and to ALL members of our family that I am with (thinking of future children-filled Christmases). And, then afterwards, to share music with her, specifically the song that I had lovingly made for her, called, I Love You, I do!
And that is exactly what I did. And it was glorious.
Then I took over. We watched 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and we got a visit from our Elders (Boyack and Maughan), and I spent a good majority of that movie watching time making Arroz con Pollo, en estilo Peruano. And I took care of our feast that evening. And it turned out beautiful.
It was really great. Or at least that was my feeling of my first Gonzales/Trefflich-centered Christmas.
I love her and I would do anything for her, especially because she has done so much for me.
This will continue into another blog/journal post about Christmas 2019.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
12/18
The waves of life pass by soooooo soooooo much!
There are days where I am up and there are days where I am down down down. But then there are times where I am even keel.
Living with another person is always crazy time.
I've had expectations that are inside of me, but that don't get met, because I don't say them.
However, since I found that out, I have gotten a lot better.
And have been more content with life.
The biggest thing that I have had to overcome is my sentiments about a clean home. Sarah and I go up and down with this one.
Sometimes our house is spic and span. And it is like we are conquering the world. But a lot of the time, we have a semi clean house. Which is actually okay. But then there are times where we just let ourselves go, and it is BAD. Or at least what I consider bad.
However, in the end, I just gotta think of all those who have it worst than me. Families who's homes are in disrepair, who can't organize worth a penny, and the feeling is not inviting of the spirit.
Anyways. IN the end, we are super blessed.
There are days where I am up and there are days where I am down down down. But then there are times where I am even keel.
Living with another person is always crazy time.
I've had expectations that are inside of me, but that don't get met, because I don't say them.
However, since I found that out, I have gotten a lot better.
And have been more content with life.
The biggest thing that I have had to overcome is my sentiments about a clean home. Sarah and I go up and down with this one.
Sometimes our house is spic and span. And it is like we are conquering the world. But a lot of the time, we have a semi clean house. Which is actually okay. But then there are times where we just let ourselves go, and it is BAD. Or at least what I consider bad.
However, in the end, I just gotta think of all those who have it worst than me. Families who's homes are in disrepair, who can't organize worth a penny, and the feeling is not inviting of the spirit.
Anyways. IN the end, we are super blessed.
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